Bye Bye Baby: You Want Kids, He Doesn't

Bye Bye Baby: You Want Kids, He Doesn't

Question: I want two or three kids but my boyfriend says he doesn't want any. Like, ever. He had a rough childhood and feels like he's not cut out for being a dad. I, on the other hand, have wanted to be a mom since I was a kid myself. What can I do? 

Answer: There is, in fact, only one thing you can do. And that is to break up with him. If your hopes and dreams are as pinned on baby booties as you say, then this is an irreconcilable difference. There are few truly irreconcilable issues in life, but the desire for children is one. 

If he were merely "not sure" or "confused" about kids, that would be different. Uncertainty can be worked with. Many people aren't ready for the idea of parenthood until they've reached certain milestones or seen enough of their friends to do it. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, sounds like he's on the rather decided end of the spectrum. As do you. 

Don't make the mistake of thinking that you can change his mind. His desire to have kids is no more likely to materialize than yours is to suddenly disappear.  Avoid the even bigger mistake of thinking that you can give up your wish and still be happy with him. Happiness doesn't reside long in a home where resentment has crept in, and that is what you will produce in large doses once you begin to feel cheated of your chance to procreate.

There are those who might say to you, "How do you know you'll even be able to conceive? You could be throwing a great relationship away for a not even guaranteed chance of being able to have kids." That's totally possible and completely beside the point. Couples who can't conceive are at least united in shared quest. You two are facing a huge, insurmountable divide. 

Be thankful for the time you've spent together and how you've grown. Explain to him frankly that kids are a deal-breaker for you. Then cut your losses and move on. 

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